RELEVANTIA!!!

I'm sure a number of you reading this blog are probably wondering where on God's earth and man's dictionary I got the word 'Releventia' from. And I'm sure a number of u have it figured out already. In truth,I don't know if such a word exists but if it does,well... *putting on my Police Sunglasses and popping my collar* what can I say? Anyway,I just came up with the word cos I looked around and I'm really impressed with how far some folks will go to gain any amount of relevance (there u have it! And for those that still haven't caught on,pls,feel free to keep sniffing). The point is,some folks will do just about anything to get noticed. Don't get me wrong,'Notice me' is not a bad thing and the gospel truth is that we're all guilty of it and I mean; ALL OF US (slams Gavel) and if you've ever read the Bestseller by Robert Greene and Joost Elffers,the classic; '48 Laws of Power' (please forgive me but I just love this book and I'll be referring to it from time to time in subsequent blogs), the 6th Law clearly states that you should "Court Attention at all Cost" because its one of the major tools to attain power. But before all ye attention mongers start a party over this declaration,the latter part of the same chapter also makes it clear that this Law has its own downsides so you should be very careful. Before you turn yourself into a Goldfish,better realise that cats (not just Sylvester by the way) lurk everywhere. One of the group of people guilty of these are some folks that call themselves 'Men of God', they come up in our faces,on Radios,TVs etc with all kinds of Prophesies (though I prefer to call it predictions) and at the end of the day,out of 10 predictions,dey get just 2 or 3 right. Its really embarrassing. They now make it look like God is a liar. They shout at the top of their voices so folks can be impressed and then rush to their churches. That is what I mean by Relevantia. What about the Politicians wit their heavy bags of light promises. They just show up from nowhere,shouting on the top of their voices,castigating those that are in power so that they'll win the admiration of the masses that they need their votes so that they can get into Power and do worse. That is Relevantia. Even the critics,whether social or moral are not spared. They can't do better and in their own little way,they are not influencing their own neighbourhood but when it comes to casting aspersions at other people's character,they hug the limelight like it's a long lost son. That is Relevantia. Same goes for movie stars and musicians;they will do anything apart from showcase their talents (even though a lot of those I see around in Nigeria these days lack it). They will dye themselves,marry their siblings,start a riot and I'm talkin every conceivable thing they can do to so that their smiling faces will show up in the papers. That is Relevantia. And to round it all off,I'll just mention a group that seem to piss me off these days and I'm like,why can't these douches simply mind their business. They are the Scientists. Have you heard these before; "Drink a cup of your urine daily to help wash your system"; "Walk 10km a day to improve your sex drive"; "Always take a spoon of honey for a better marriage"; "Drink a glass of water 1st thing in the morning cos it cleans your system!". Funny thing is,for the last one,if I should try it,I'll be sick throughout that day. I'm not making that up,its been proved to be a fact. You'll hear all manner of scientific tips and some will come up with other tips to contradict the ones you got from other scientists. That is Relevantia. Need I mention Herbal Doctors? U got my point. Relevantia! Relevantia! We have it all around us. Come to think of it,getting you all to read this blog,what do you think it all boils down to sef? #JustSaying.
I'm out for now,folks. Cheers!

what's your dream partner like?

Okay. Do you remember those days (I'm sure it still happens to some of you reading this blog) when someone asks; "what's your idea of what your perfect mate should look like?" and you're like... (Let's assume you're the lady) "Oh! *with a dreamy stare* He must be tall,handsome,broad-shouldered,rich,wealthy,sexy,must have pink lips,six-packs..." And of course,I must not forget to add the one attribute dat is common no matter whether the lady is from the east or west,artist or atheist,blonde or brunette,deaconess or devil worshipper, etc. And that is; "He must be God-fearing!" No matter what lady you ask,that's a constant factor that comes into play. I've always believed most ladies are not true to themselves when they draw up these dreams and that's because at the end of the day,they only get with 'rich,wealthy' and that's if they get so lucky. But with my fellow menfolk,it's a whole new ball game (sorry but the pun was unintended).I'm not saying they don't come up short too but most times,their picture of a perfect mate is not only within reach but pragmatic so they can grab easily. Now for the interesting part: Depending on the kinda guy you come across but for the more gentlemanly kinda guy, you'll get to hear stuffs like: "Well, (shrugs) she must be pretty,sexy,intelligent,homely... (And all other boring stuffs dat gentlemen tend to roll out their silky tongues) but for the rest of the menfolk,you hear things really masculine like: "She has to be fine of course,she has to have curves and I'm talking eight not zero,erm...(Rolling up their eyes to take a peek into their skull) erm... Dis part,words fail them so they have to gesticulate and if that doesn't pass the message they want to pass like they want it to,they can just blurt out stuffs like: what's my own with cup size sef? Abeg give me Bowl joor!

Damn! I'm outta here. See y'all in my next Blog. Diamondaces signing off!

funny enough,AKURE!

Wow! Dis is my 1st official blog and I hope a lot of u guys like it. I'm also sure dat a lotta critics r sharpenin deir knives now,ready to carve dis write up so... Be my guest.
I would have split dis into Parts 1 and 2 but I usually don't do parts... I'll serve it up whole and u guys can divide into as many parts as u want. Abi naa?
Well,it all started wen I had to dash down to Akure,the Ondo State capital, on d 12th of Nov. I won't bore u wit d population,size of d area,topography n all dose other stuffs (I mean;u have Wikipedia,don't u?). Anyway,d whole drama started after one signpost welcomed me to Ondo State. Ondo State has been termed the 'Sunshine State' but from d moment my bus rode into Akure around 5pm,it was like a mischievous painter decided to grab his brush and paint the sky in a dark color and d sky shed tears in protest... It was raining Cats,Dogs and Calabar men! I got down at d park and managed to heave myself and my baggage into a cab for Ijapo Estate. I settled in and some other semi-wet folks like me rushed into d cab and we were off. The windows of d cab were down and as I tried to wind up cos of the rain,it was I dat got wound up! "Where is d winder naa?" I asked d cab man,he asked me 2 pls b patient cos anoda passenger was using it. I held my breath and waited for 2mins b4 d cab man handed me d winder wen d passenger in front was done 'winding'. I now wondered to myself if dis was how all cabs in akure were but I decided to giv dem d benefit of a doubt... 4 now. So it rained as I was driven 2 my destination. Wen I got dere,I paid d cab man and dashed in to d welcomin arms of my aunt who was just widowed. Dinner was waitin 4 me so I ate and cos I was so tired,I was asleep b4 8pm. 6am d next mornin,I was already up,d poultry attendant refused to show up (Yes my late Uncle has a big poultry) and it was left to me and my aunt to do d poultry work dat day. Woteva becomes of my back; let it be known dat it started dat day (All dat is besides d point). So I had to do d things I came for dat day and called a friend to hook up. He came in arnd 5pm & we chatted;he told me dat unlike in Lag,bars are lively by 10am.he said dat Akure folks r generally lazy and dey drink a lot and gettin to work late is very rampant which is why dey're many cabs in Akure as it's d kind of profession dat suits Akure men. (Won't mention d name of d dude dough,I need him 2 live long enough). Dat day was d day I started seein some signs but I decided to wave dem off. I travelled 2 Ife d next day and came back on Saturday evenin. Sorry if dese all sound borin but stick wit me,I'm going somewhere. I've been in Akure 4 over a week now,I've looked around,commuted around,walked around,worked around,fooled around and I've come up wit somfin of a tourist guide 4 dose of u dat wanna come visit or make Akure, home.
Let me state dis clearly,being observant is not one of my strong points or forte (hell! I don't even remember wot I wear d day b4) so for me to notice dese things,dey must have made a strong impression on me. So here goes:

- In Akure,u'll find more Cabs dan bikes and I shit u not. D ratio of Cabs to Bikes is like 10:1. Dey're everywhere, even in matchboxes (ok,datz an exaggeration)

- Accordin to my friend,Akure is suitable for pensioners. I can't confirm dat but I'm inclined to agree. After all,he gets out more dan I do. And well,who else will stay in a place dis relatively peaceful?

- If u thrive on night life,PLS,don't come to Akure. Steer Clear! Have u seen Will Smith's "I am Legend?" Exactly! Its like dat over here. Its like u get preyed upon if u're outside after Sunset. Dere's an unwritten rule dat u run indoors once it get dark. I'll bet datz why it's called The Sunshine State;do everything u need to do while d Sun is shining. Night Life is totally,and I repeat,TOTALLY non-existent in dis place.

- Maybe it's as a result of the point I made above but you'll find The Highest nos of Hotels in Akure alone dan u'll find in other states in Nigeria. Just like cabs,dey're everywhere. Its a good biz. If u're walkin on d road and d Sun suddenly or mischievously sets on u,u rush to take refuge in d nearest hotel! Yep,I said it! D Hotels r lifesavers in case we lose sunshine and dose 'Sunset Zombies' start prowlin.

- And after giving and taking my 'Benefit of a Doubt',coupled with so many trips and random sampling,I've come to the decision (wit irrefutable proof) dat 4 out of every 5 cabs in Akure have just 1 window winder! Yes,I said it! So if u have to come to Akure and u got no plans to drive,beta come along wit ur own winder! It mite just keep u dry. U can thank me later for dis info.

So that's all dere is to it,Folks. Wonderful place to be. I'll be doing travelling to so many towns around Nigeria in the next coming months so u guys shld make sure you dot ur i's and cross ur t's b4 den. Cos ur town mite just be d next Blog topic. *winks* See y'all in my next Blog! *waving at y'all*